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Why I believe in God

I have been in so many unique situations in life, from spending the my first 5 to 6 years in foster care, to being taken away from the only parents and home I’d known only to then be raised by a biological parent who physically, verbally and emotionally abused me every day and treated me like a house maid. The experiences didn’t stop there. I started to be sexually abused between the ages of 7-9 and I was depressed, self-harming and homeless by the time I was 14. To add insult to injury, I lost my dad to Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (he literally died of nothing) when I was 18, I lost my foster mum to cancer at age 20 and I then lost my foster to suicide when I was 22. No… I am not making this up.

After being sectioned in a psychiatric hospital because I couldn’t find a way to not hurt on the inside that didn’t include hurting myself on the outside to balance out the pain, I began a stint in mental health facilities. At this point, I honestly felt dead inside. Beyond this, I was tired. I mean I was damn tired. It felt like I was due for a permanent rest. I had been experiencing so much pain what felt like my whole life. And to make matters worse I didn’t have my foster parents there to hold me or hold me up when I needed them the most.

I left hospital and continued to try and live the ups and downs of life, but I felt more damaged than ever. I couldn’t take adverts about anything to do with suffering – starving children in Africa and Asia, lonely old people, violence towards animals – everything I saw had me emotional and in tears. I saw the movie The Secret Life of Bees, in which one of the women killed herself because she could literally feel the pain of the world. I totally related. That was exactly the feeling inside of me. The pain wasn’t even about just me anymore, or the loss of my family. My pain was about the hurt of the whole world. It was the first time I’d seen a character in a film who I could relate to, who I thought yes, this is me, this is my destiny. I felt finished.

I need you to know, I don’t want you to think that this is some sad story. Let me be real, I struggle every day with different aspects of who I am, what I’ve done and the pain I’ve experienced and even caused. I’m working on stepping out of the pain. I know that there are people who look at death and the way people die, I know that there are people who look at the pain they feel and the pain around them and are like “how can there be a God, who would allow be all powerful and kind but allow so much suffering and pain” and I know people who will say it’s not rational to believe in a God we can’t see and can’t prove exists. But I don’t think that you can come back from the edge as many times as I have and not know that God has been there EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Please understand, I’m still here because there’s something I’m destined to do, share or say. And things are getting better every day after decades of things getting worse every hour. This is who I am, this is the pain I’ve lived, and this is what I’ve known… even in my darkest hour, I was never alone.

Straight up, I’m not a preacher or priest, but I know I’m supposed to say something because I’d be so wrong for not being honest about my life and the Unspoken Club is about me being honest. My faith in God comes from those very darkest moments. Many say there’s no God, my personal experiences tell me differently. My experiences of despair and just plain hating myself and my life have showed me that there is love all around. Although I was victim physical violence nearly every day from the age of 6 to 14 and I knew that I could die from repeatedly having my head smashed into walls and doors and being beaten until I bled, I felt a presence. I wasn’t brought up in the church – my foster parents were atheist. But I knew someone was there. It’s hard to explain.

When I first felt it, I didn’t know whether this presence was there to encourage me to be strong, protect me from fully internalizing the pain I was experiencing, or help me feel peace about the possibility that I could accidentally be killed if the blows to my body didn’t stop, but there was a presence that held me and let me know that everything would be alright. I know that some people would find fault with me thinking that the outcome of death from violence is okay. My belief is that not that it is okay in any way to be beaten to death, nor do I believe suicide is a way out. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. But equally, I don’t think that suffering or death is anything to do with God not being there or God not loving someone. I can see why people may blast me for how I feel, but I’m gonna be okay with that because there’s so much more on the Unspoken Club website that will give you reason to criticize me, so I’m not going to start hiding or lying now over this.

But my belief (which I truly believe even after losing my parents in three totally different and yet totally painful ways which left me devastated) is that I totally do not believe that death is anywhere near the end of life. I simply know it is not, just like I know there was a presence around me since I was a child. If I had to give the presence a name, it would be God. Now I‘m not here to convert anyone or judge anyone else for their beliefs. I’m just here to express myself. The problem is that nowadays everyone’s wanting to be like someone else. I’m just here trying to be me and because of that I can only tell others feeling the pain I’ve felt what I know from my own life.

If I’m being real, I can only talk about what I know and what I‘ve been through when I’m talking about who God is and what He’s done and what He can continue to be for me moving forward as I go through this period of trying to heal not only from a lot of things that I’ve been through, but also moving forward as I heal from a lot of things that I’ve done.

The reason why The Unspoken Club exists is to tell my life exactly as it is and if anyone can relate, yay, and if no one can, no problem. Please don’t be offended by my style of trying to help myself heal. If anything resonates with how you feel then I hope me putting it out there helps, even in the tiniest way. Any way that what I’ve experienced helps you realize you’re not alone makes me feel good to know that this isn’t just therapy to me. If not, no harm no foul. Either way, if you want to hear more about how God is healing me, even though I’m still in the thick of it, you’re in the right place. The site keeps expanding every day as I put up new stuff about my experience of God in my health, relationships, and efforts to live a better life. If you ever want message me, go ahead. If you want to comment or share your experiences of life and God below, feel free.  Speak soon!

Shay x

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