I have lived, done and felt things that I have never spoken about…. and honestly, it’s killing me. So in The Unspoken Club, I talk about all of the things that I previously haven’t been able to say out loud… things that others will judge me for – possibly even hate me for. Here is the place that I lay it all on the line. I’ve decided I can live with that. What I cannot live with though, is continuing to keep it all in. I’m tired, I’m desperate, I’m done.
The reason why I can live with the consequences of putting it all out there is not only because of the damage it’s doing to my mindset and the impact this has on my life – I’d rather be brave enough to get this off my chest because keeping these secrets are killing my health and my future. More than that, I know for a fact that there are people out there just like me dying a slow death from shame, guilt and disappointment. Right now, I’m thinking that there are people who just need someone who is going to put it out there, who is going to say ‘look, this is how I feel, it maybe how you feel, it is OK, it doesn’t have to remain unspoken, we can deal with this. Let’s just share and see how it goes.’
Right now, I’m feeling isolated, I dealing with years of having no confidence, dealing with abuse, anger, rejection, self-hate, jealousy… honestly the list goes on. I’ve been broken not only by things that people have done to me (think sexual, emotional, verbal and physical abuse), I’ve done things that have broken me too (think abortion and not forgiving myself, giving out the same anger and abuse that I received, getting involved with the wrong men… I mean seriously, the list doesn’t seem to stop). Many people may not speak about some of the things I’m going to confess to on this site, but honestly, if I’m going to survive, these things can’t remain unspoken. I’m at my lowest point. To anyone out there who has difficulties, or feels like me – I’m hoping that we can reach out to each other and get past the thoughts, feelings and circumstances that are crippling us – even if right now it feels like there is no way we can ever get past this!
As for me, I have family and friends who may be embarrassed and shocked about the things that I’m about to talk about here. But I am in my mid 30s and I cannot go on as I have, especially when I know that instead of feeling stuck and tired, I can be free and actually live my best life. I want to live in hope!
Although the things in my life will no longer remain unspoken, I’m hoping that I can mostly remain anonymous although there’s the possibility that people I know will know what I have done, what I have been through and therefore who I am. I’m willing to take that chance so that anyone out there who can relate to any of the things I’m talking about can remain anonymous and yet feel the support, understanding and encouragement that we all need in order to move on with our lives in the way that we should be able to.
I know that many people won’t agree with who I am, the things I’ve done, or what I believe, but we all deserve to live a life with joy, friendship and hope and this feels like my only way out. If you also want to share or just want to read about what I and others are trying to do to move forward, feel free.
Shay (The Unspoken Club) xxx